Hey all! With ling coming up and combining all my LJ's into one. It will be Tish404. If you don't get an invite from me, let me know. If you get more than one, I'm really sorry.

Tisha

Everyone knows what Cadence is there, others who are present are Nyx, Thalia, Idris and Emrys.

"Thank you all for coming. Again, like always, this is a class and
while there will be a question and answer period, that's not what I'm
starting with so please hold comments, commentary and opinions till
that point.

First off, everyone knows Idris by now, but we also have Master Emrys
Ceisiwr, Senator of the Thunder Chamber who has promised not to give
me too hard of a time for butchering the purpose of his Chamber. *she
smiles and laughs lightly*

In our last few sessions I have really charged the two of you (*to
Thailia and Nyx*) to start to examine your place within your Order.
We have went over the hows and whys and this series of lectures will
be on each of the chambers, even the lesser ones, so that hopefully
the two of you will be motivated to really cement your place.

We are starting off with the Thunder Chamber since it was the one in
our last discussion that was least familiar with. Since that time
I've spoken with both the Senator and several members who claim it and
have gotten a wide girth of views that I'm now going to share with
you.

We've already spoken about the roles that we played in Atlantis and
their importance. This Chamber holds to the roles of Priests and
Oracles. Leadership can happen in many forms. Not everyone believes
that we should be the "bull by the horns" types. There is power and
leadership in faith. Even now in our mundane communities we look to
Priests and Pastors as our community leaders. They are the strong
beacon when we lose things like hope.

As mages though, it's hard to balance this. With magic at our
fingertips, and willworkers who can tug on the very strings of fate,
it's not hard to disbelieve that such things are needed. I however am
steadfast in the belief that these things are just the exact reasons
why we need them though. Magic is not the answer to every question.
It cannot give us the intrinsic things that make us human. Members of
this chamber respect that and often fall back on non magical means to
accomplish their goals and roles.

So how so does one accomplish and flourish in the role of a Prophet
without magic? There are lots of ways. People have been predicting
the future since time began. Throwing bones, casting runes, astrology
and reading tea leaves are all examples of how humanity has tried to
grasp at the unknown. We have turned cynical though throughout the
years and have stopped believing in such things. Oracles, even in
somewhat modern history, were considered as close to divinity as one
could ever come without dying. We have lost our faith in our humanity
and rely to heavily on magic, making the Thunder Chambers role as
Prophets and Oracles that much more pivotal.

To open yourself up to view the signs and read the pulse of the
universe is trying. Not everyone is cut out for such a niche. For
those who are though we should be thankful that they can do so.
Everyday the world guides us all to our goals, by nurturing the use of
natural Prophesy the Silver Ladder can flourish in it's common goals.
Without those people, we are doomed to continue to take two steps back
for every one forward.

While the role of Prophets in our society is important, important
still is the role of Priests. I think that this aspect is highly
overlooked in our society. We wield the power of Gods, why then do we
need Priests? The answer is simple, because without them, we would
fall. Priests in our society are different from those who lead the
communities of sleepers, in some ways, yet in others they are very
much the same.

They are pillars of our society. Lynch pins that are crucial to the
balance that we so desperately need. They bridge gaps between the
Supernal and the Manifest. A rock solid structure that is neither
passive nor aggressive, but that serves in a sort of large scale
Hearth Master of sorts. They serve as the pulse of life that is
breathed through our society.

The major difference is that Priests in our society do not have to
always be parochial. The vastness and the tendency to self worship or
even divinity refusal leads many Awakened down paths that are not of
religious origins. It's important for Priests in our society to be
accepting of all belief systems so that their role as Guides can be
played out. So that they may guide the Awakened community from
destructive acts of hubris and feeding the Abyss to help focus our
cause into something productive.

While each Chamber is an Elemental aspect of the Silver Ladder, the
Thunder Chamber is probably the most pivotal. Without them the decent
to our own hubris would be quickened, we would have no hope and no
guidance for a better future. We would adrift in a sheltered harbor
of our own dismal creation with no faith to see us through.

At this point I will take any questions, comments or concerns."

She sits in the area just outside of the dressing area. Her mind wondering over the past few days. Guilt mixed with thrills then lust. When Idris comes out her temperature rises again, like a school girl she's been stuck in this mode. She barely pays attention as the salesman speaks with her, her eyes studying the width of Idris' shoulders and the strength in his hands. Only after saying her name twice is she able to rip her eyes away from him and speak with the man trying to fit the tux.

Never has she felt something so strong. A year ago she would have been sitting here probably letting her mind wonder back to her happier times. To her lover who is lost to her, though he still lives. But now, all she could do was think about how much she wished to be back in her bedroom with the one standing infront of her.

She looks past him to the dressing room and grins... He'd never do it.

"Thank you all for coming. Let me remind you this is a class and
while there will be a question and answer period, that's not what I'm
starting with so please hold comments, commentary and opinions till
that point.

We are Silver Ladder. We believe in a humanity that includes an
Awakened destiny. We believe in the spirit of that humanity and that
the unenlightened will one day find their way to our ranks. That
magic is the gift and birthright of all. We will not believe in the
lies that hubris was the destruction of Atlantis. Instead we realize
the truth. That magic is a purity that transcends the prison that the
Exarchs try to impose on it. That it is a truth more powerful than
any WAR can be.

The fall of Atlantis was a WAR, it was not the end of anything, it was
progression. It was a lesson that needed to be learned. Something
that had to happen so that we can progress, and progress we shall.
We, the Silver Ladder are the very backbone of Awakening society. We
are leaders, judges, teachers and priests. We are the foundation that
all other orders need to flourish. The reason we are this backbone is
because we all realize the Truth. We realize that one of the key
elements in restoring the glory, returning to society of Wisdom, is
Sleepers. A key element that the Exarchs will never be able to have
so long as they continue to deny the gift of enlightenment.

We as Silver Ladder are required to make sacrifices to accomplish this
goal. We are also required to wear many hats. We need to understand
that the gift of Awakening needs to be a soft and sheltered stream,
not a tsunami that forces it's way through. We need to be prepared to
guide, lead and teach those who awaken so that they to can become
productive members of our society.

It is a common misconception even among our own ranks that we ruled
Atlantis. Instead though we had the important task, which now gives
us our nick name. We were the voices and advisers of those who did.
We helped keep the balance of power and hence we were known as the Vox
Draconis, the Voice of the Dragon. Some of us as well were judges,
priests and oracles, highly respected and keepers of law and wisdom.
We were the glue and the balance on which the society of mages
depended.

While the other Orders were crippled and shamed by the fall of
Atlantis we, the Silver Ladder, were not. We are able to identify
what the Exarchs have showed us. They revealed all in their acts.
They have shown their most grave weakness that we will lead the
Pentacle to take advantage of when the time is right. Their trapping
humanity in the Lie of Quiescence, they have shown us their fear.
Their fear is simple it's the normal, everyday men and women. Those
faceless masses that surge through city streets every day. Those are
who the Exarchs fear and it is those that will be the key to restoring
magic to it's rightful glory.

But these are long term goals and beliefs. You cannot focus on just
the big picture, if the pieces of the machine are not functioning
probably the whole will fail. This means that we are needed to be the
building blocks. Richmond in particular could benefit greatly from
the guidance and balance that the Silver Ladder offers. We are the
paradigm and leading examples of what Mage society should be. The
Hierarch here is young and she needs guidance. The Arrow have already
fallen in line with us, willing to work with us to see the base ideas
of the Orders restored. Tradition has served us well this whole time
because it works.

The Free Council tries to enact change but generally it's only for the
sake of Change itself and thus it will never stand the test of time.
We have the tools at our disposal to accomplish the Ultimate Goal, we
just need to be steadfast in doing so. Sometimes though this is
easier said and done. We are the Vox Draconis, we will not bow or
yield to an unworthy master, but we also must walk a delicate balance
between humility and arrogance. We are proud, noble and we will not
altruistically take the fall for others stupidity.

Always remember, accuse publicly, apologize quietly. Words which are
spoken softly and well thought out say more than anything yelled
across a room or forum could. You are noble, act it.

I think this is a good place for me to end for this first session.
Are there any questions that I can answer currently?"

She picks her way through the house that seems so contradictory. On the outside so new on the inside so old. She knew the history, she had read it as written on the cork board by the bar that uneducated and improper people had poisoned with neon signs.

She held her head high though as she made herself a martini and progressed to the main space. Several people she knew greeted her. This was going to be an interesting night. Her first meeting whisked her away with a man she actually respected. They spoke about progress and roles and he agreed to help get her in touch with who she needed.

Her next trip was pleasant as well. Good relations with all was the goal and Cash proved to be accepting and understanding. Indeed not only that, but as the three Moros sat together, jovially disagreeing, she came to understand why she actually liked these people. They spoke about an issue with three different points of view. Each of them presenting a different item, but it was polite discussion, what sophisticated discourse should be.

The next two were similar. There were gifts which was surprising, but pleasant. All in all a very productive and pleasant evening.

She sweeps through the house like a small whirlwind of expensive perfume and clinking jewelry, caravan in tow. Her assistant Tina, chattering on, writing down most anything she says. Some pretentious male who she didn't really stop to care when he gave his name and then, bringing up the rear, Scout.

The man without a name came well spoken of. Planner to the stars, top of the field, only the best would do. She moves outside into the crisp warm air, her hair shining in the sunlight. She turns and looks at her home. Her family home of sorts dressed in colors of green and gold for the upcoming holiday. She throws out ideas here and there trying to sort out details. May.

Rolling over dates in her head only served to make her stomach turn. Could this be real? Should she stop it? Outside or in? Colors? Pastels are the suggestion but boy would her lover be pissed. She knew deep down that it probably wasn't real. That there was probably some ulterior motive. There was last time he did this, why should she be different?

Her attention is brought back to the present as books with pictures and ideas flow before her. Words float around her as she lets her mind wonder to the place where joy holds. A party... She can do this. She's done it before. This one is different though, but just the same. You use the same principles and apply her same style and in the end, it will be a hit.

I curl in our bed warm and snug, drifting off in dreamland, his queen... His love.

I'm stuck in the basement from Midlothian... This time I'm not throwing up though, but there is no door. I pound at the bloody wall screaming for someone, anyone to help me. The earthy sickly smell of blood and dirt fills my nostrils as I plead for my life.

There is someone here with me but I cant see them. I back into a corner an whimpering in fear. Suddenly the light kicks on blinding me temporarily. Before I know what is happening, I'm holding my innards in my hands and staring at the face of a dark spirit or my own creation. In the hands I helped form, it's holding a wicked and curved knife.

The sight of the blood is too much and I swoon. I must get away from it. I lurch across the room towards where I remember an exit once being and I pass out. I watch the poetic justice of the dirt rushing up to meet my face. I watch the floor painted in blood, my body slams into the floor. With one last thought processed somewhere in my head by my subconscious I think "Not the floor, I will ruin the Map."

With that last thought I wake shivering and clammy from the nightmare. My hand goes to the side where he's supposed to be... "Ewan?"

When I was seventeen, it was a very good year.
It was a very good year for small town girls and soft summer nights.
We'd hide from the light on the village green when I was seventeen.


The day had been long and rough. I may have been stupid, but I needed to know and really, who did it hurt? Sure, it hurt me. I've been clean for awhile now, I do feel bad though that I woke him. He was sweet about it though, always the knight.

When I was twenty-one, it was a very good year.
It was a very good year for city
girls who lived up the stairs
With perfume hair that came undone
when I was twenty-one.


Finally though we had made it to bed. We had visited his son and tomorrow they would be reunited and we would start to forge our family. I'm excited but trepidation creeps in. We lay together, talking and laughing, snuggled warm in our bed. We speak of dreams and hopes. We talk about us and the trips we are taking about love, life, past lives, religion, hopes and dreams. I slip off, his warm strong arms still wrapped around me.

When I was thirty-five, it was a very good year.
It was a very good year for blue-blooded
girls of independent means.
We'd ride in limousines. Their chauffeurs
would drive when I was thirty-five.


I hear soft music coming from down the hall. I stir softly and roll over, my face falling into that soft place on his neck. He smells amazing. The music though is still playing, some lullaby? I hear cooing and on instinct I move out of bed. My long gown sliding down and moving softly over my skin as I move quietly and lithely out of the room.

I move as though my body knows my purpose, one foot in front of the other till I'm in a room down the hall. I've never seen a room like this. There are murals on all sides of the walls, a forest. I slightly recognize it though. Some of the sections look like the forest I was walking through in the Primal Wild. The room likes like a grove and in the center where the tree should be is a round crib.

While lacy valances hang down and inside a little person moves and flails. It doesn't cry, but it makes those noises that they make. I walk to the side of the crib and look down. She's beautiful. A soft sac of a white night gown, soft pudgy cheeks. She looks up at me and starts to coo more, her hands reaching up at me. I can't help but smile and whisper her name... But how did I know it?

I let one of the sides down and pick up the girl, she giggles softly and I start to sing softly to her. A Norwegian lullaby. I move over to a table with a bottle warmer on it and take one out of the cooling area and put it in the warmer, bouncing her softly as we wait, her tiny fingers tangling in my hair as she smiles at me.

I pick up the bottle when it's done and moves to a rockers on the opposite side of the room and start to feed her as we rock, singing softly to her still as she looks up at me with the big brown eyes that I would recognize anywhere, they were so much like his. I shut my eyes and lean back, softly continuing to rock.

I open my eyes as some softly says my name. He's standing at the door smiling "I thought you were going to wake me up if she got up." I smile but then something goes wrong. A loud noise bursts through the moment

But now the days are short, I'm in the
autumn of the year
and now I think of my life as vintage
wine from fine old kegs
From the brim to the dregs. It poured
sweet and clear. It was a very good year.


I groan and nudge the form beside me. "Ewan... Turn off the alarm."

She stretches out and adjusts the blanket around her. She yawns and looks at her hand, turning over slightly. That's it Cadence... Run. She closes her eyes tries to get some sleep, but sleep doesn't come easy for her. Maybe it's the plane, maybe it's the stress, who knows?

She can see it again in her mind. She shouldn't have done it. She shouldn't have looked. She never thought she would see that though. She was waiting for him to snap to snap out of it. She thought when he told her that it was it, but it wasn't.

She thought that running to him, that twenty minutes could make it go away. That in his hotel room she could find a way to cope, but did she? What now? The sex and the pain doesn't make it any better. Where does she go now?

Vengeance was never a color that suited her, but it probably has to be now. Maybe she can dress it up with a pretty pendent.

I sigh, rolling over again. Back to not sleeping. His words ringing through my ears. I look upon his face and I can't help but think. Was he there? Did I just not realize it?

I slide out of bed and make my way downstairs. Quietly I get into the closet where I stashed it, all the way in the back I remove a messenger bag. I just need to know. I just need to be back there. I take the needle out and light a candle I sigh as I inject it into my arm, a hot tear rolling down my cheek. I lean back and relax, letting my mind flow, I can control this...


I see it again, the lake, I try to concentrate but it's distorted. Like a tape I fast forward past the first part to the second, the one where I realized some of them were awakened. I am there, I can see myself. Beautiful... I've never looked like that in my life.

I try to twist and turn and see the others, but the vertigo tries to wash over me and I fight it. I move till I'm near one of the others, till I'm near one of the souls I recognize to be awakened, I look into his eyes and feel nothing. I turn, tripping and falling, the floor reaching up for me and trying to keep me down. I struggle back up to my feet and move across the room once more to the door, a man standing beside it cloaked in shadows.

I stumble towards him, the vision fighting me every step of the way. No one seeing me, but he reaches out and catches me. He pulls me close and I see the confusion in his eyes as he looks back and forth between she and I... Or is that me and I?

In an instant I feel a tug and I'm laying on the sofa in our home. I start to sob, somewhere in my mind I tell myself to be quiet or I'll wake him, but I'm unsure if my volume decrease. I shiver and convulse slightly, the drug coursing through my veins. I stand, though not well, I try to make my way to the restroom, trying to keep my balance as I move, I fail and I hear a crash as something falls beside my foot.

I finally make it to the bathroom and I lock myself in.

I groan as his voices pierces through my dream "Hon... We need to talk. Love, wake up..." I blink up at him, his arm still curled around my shoulders. I smile and with out thought I speak to him Norwegian, my brain not funny awake or maybe I'm just responding in the language he spoke to me. "Mmm, morning..." The speakers pierce our moment as the Pilot informs us of our decent and possibly bumpy landing. I stretch and sit up, looking at him. He looks worried, though I'm sure it's about what is going to happen. I kiss his cheek and he smiles.

The sun burned hot, it burned my eyes
Burned so hot I thought I'd died
Thought I'd died and gone to hell
Lookin' for the water from a deeper well


I give him his coat back and we settle in for a bumpy landing. I'm still apprehensive about all of this. Knowing how important it is to him though, I settle in determination to get what he needs to help complete his desire. We land and someone he knows meets us there, taking us to see his son. I feel strange as magic crackles around us but I can't figure out where it's coming from. We make it back to the plane and everything happens so fast. The scream, is it mine? Darkness envelopes me. I'm on my back but there is no sun. It's dark, possibly night? I stand and this seems so familiar. I've been here before.

I went to the river but the river was dry
I fell to my knees an I looked to the sky
I looked to the sky and the spring rain fell
I saw the water from a deeper well


I start walking and it seems like forever. I come to a lake and it's so beautiful, but I've seen it somewhere else and somehow I know it's important. On the other side there are people dressed in old primitive type clothes and they are chanting and dancing around and a woman. Some of them looked like druids I think or at least what I would envision Druids looking like and what they are typically pictured as in books. I recognized Ogham written in the dirt.

Well...lookin for the water from a deeper well
I was ready for love I was ready for the money
Ready for the blood and ready for the honey
Ready for the winnin', ready for the bell
Lookin' for the water from a deeper well


They dance and their voices raise, but everything feels... Wrong, but right. They hit a crescendo and everything goes bright and everything feels so right. I feel the power of divinity course through my body, it's orgasmic, but then a crippling feeling of dread tugs at my me deep inside, before it happens I know what's coming. Men storming the ceremony. They are dressed for battle and I want to scream at them a second before to watch out, but I can't and they start to slaughter the druids. I move towards the scene like I remember doing before, sending out my will to help them but the ground shifts under me and I get the sensation of vertigo.

I found some love and I found some money
Found that blood would drip from the honey
Found I had a thirst that I could not quell
Lookin' for the water from a deeper well


I shut my eyes and when I opened them everything seems to have moved forward. There is a castle, definitely British design, and I can see inside. A woman is there and she looks exactly like me. It looks like a festival in full swing, people dancing and singing, talking to each other around the outsides but it's not, they are dressed for war.

Well I did it for kicks and I did it for faith
I did it for lust and I did it for hate
I did it for need and I did it for love
Addiction stayed on tight like a glove


I can tell they are raising power, but I can see their souls, most of them are sleepers. The girl, me, in the middle seems to be one of the few awakened. She seems in rapture And I can see the magic and fate growing and growing. I hear the sounds of pounding on the wall and when this culmination of power releases a flood of warriors started to storm in where they are met by the warriors from the castle. They are different now. The revelry has ended, the power raised now clings to them like shields. Their normal armor with my normal sight seems to glow with power... They win, driving back the intruders.


So I ran with the moon and I ran with the night
And the three of us were a terrible sight
Nipple to the bottle to the gun to the cell
To the bottom of a hole of a deeper well


There are several of these scenarios that are similar, different people and places... Different ways. But I've seen them all before somewhere. Every time there is that feeling of vertigo and finally I feel like I am going to be sick so I turn around and stumble. A familiar had grabs my arm, helping me to my feet. It's not who I expect, but it's dejavu. He helps me up and calls me by my real name.... Funny, I don't recall telling him what it was. "Where is Ewan? Solaris?" He smiles and tells me that I need to follow him.


I rocked with the cradle and I rolled with the rage
I shook those walls and I rattled that gage
I took my trouble down a deadend trail
Reachin' out a hand for a holier grail


I asked why and I demand to know where they are. I ask about what happened back there at the lake but when I turn around, there is nothing behind me but the normal lake, I get dizzy and again he puts his arms around me from behind. I've been here, I know it... I feel his breath on my neck as he helps me stand once more. He starts to speak, but I can only make some of it out. Something about a path and a choice, I've already made so many though it only serves to make my head hurt. I turned around to speak to him and he's standing a few feet away from me I shake my head and put my hand on my neck where I can still feel the heat. He tells me once more to follow and he turns and starts to walk.

Hey there mama did you carry that load
Did you tell your baby 'bout the bend in the road
'Bout the rebel yell 'bout the one that fell
Lookin' for the water from a deeper well


I try to catch up but even running while he's only walking, I can't seem to catchup to him. He disappears and the forest thickens. I keep hearing his voice telling me to follow but I can't find him, I keep moving forward starting to panic till I break through the thick brush into this clearing. It's lit brightly by the full moon above, the forest all around is and I can't see anything. I start yelling and I can hear him say my name but it comes at me like some sort of funhouse at a carnival, I hear it from all around, coming at me from every direction. I run to each section trying to find where he had gone, yelling for him to come help me. Yelling for him to take me back.

I scream and crumble to the ground and in an instant I'm back where I started, surrounded by darkness. I hear chanting in my head... "Frejya, Nerthus, Gersimi and Hnossi" over and over again.


Well...lookin for the water from a deeper well
Well...lookin for the water from a deeper well


I groan as my head pounds with these names and I blink.

She stands in her bathroom going through her morning routine. Her black hair still damp and hanging just past her shoulders. She turns slightly, watching her form move in the mirror, this is what she does to herself. She spends each day critically examining herself. She moves her hands to her face, tugging and pushing, trying to make it look youthful once more.

She sighs, it's not that she thinks she's unattractive mind you. She has plenty of men falling over her to prove that's an untrue assumption. She looks down at her hand and smiles. She's a typical girl, the type that loves jewelry and perfume, roses and chocolates. She tilted her head as she ponders one of her newest gifts. While it's probably more modest than most anything else she owns, she smiles softly. It's beautiful.

She blow dries and styles her hair, sitting down at her vanity to apply her makeup. Carefully making herself into perfection. Smudged and sexy eyes, ruby red lips. She looks down beside where he hand just went to rest and smiles again, her fingers running over the pendent. In general I wear things with a history and a story. Pieces that are old... This one however, is not. It's bright and shiny, rarely handled and doesn't have the patina that things she normally wears do.

She picks it up and slides it around her slender neck, fastening it. Her hand running down and brushing against it. She smiles at herself in the mirror and moves off to get dressed. She reminds herself that she needs to get back to Florida to check out of her hotel.

I listen to some music on my IPod and curl up under a black pea coat. I guess in a way I should be mourning the loss of paradise. I look over at my companion and I smile. His head is flopped against the pillow he propped against the window and he looks to be having a pleasant dream. I put my hand on his and lift it over my shoulder, putting my head on his chest. It's hard though, not like normal. I sigh and put the small pillow under my head.

how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home


Too much worrying. I don't think I've ever met a man like him, so kind and willing to do so much for those that he cares about. In an age where chivalry is lost, he exemplifies what it should be like. How men should treat women and how friends should treat friends. He's an example of what is right in the world. Falling and picking yourself back up and moving on.


Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before I come undone
save me from the nothing I’ve become


I start to consider the life I've lead and those who have been on the journey with me. I think of them and how that have flowed in and out of my life. How they have influenced me, and pushed me to being what I am, who I should be. Perhaps this journey is another step to an outcome that I am unable to foresee. Regardless, while I am here I am wrapped in joy.

now that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life


I look up studying his features, trying once more to burn them into my minds eye, not that I could ever forget them. What will he say when I tell him? Will he turn from me? He left a life, what seems to him an eternity ago, would he so willingly sacrifice me to the same? For I know that's how he would see it. Perhaps he will embrace me and it and not care. Only considering what I think will be best for myself. Who shall know?

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life


Those things are for another time now. We have a purpose and a cause. He has been fighting so hard for a child not his own. For the chance to prove to her, and probably himself, that he can do for her as he probably feels he couldn't in her life. I know inside though, that this is not true. A man like him can only be the highlight of a girls life, regardless of the trespasses he committed against her.


Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
call my name and save me from the dark
bid my blood to run
before I come undone
save me from the nothing I’ve become
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside


I can see in him the need to create a legacy. While this child, this gift, will not be his own it does not matter. Eventually we will probably procreate, as that is the way, the circle, but this child will always be special to him and I can't fault him for it only makes me care for him more. So to those that ask if I'm okay with all of this, I will still answer "Not really" but I will be here. By his side, supporting his choices, and opening myself up to this person who he already loves before he even starts to care for him.

She lays in his bed softly moving his hair out of his face while he sleeps, a small smile curling on the edge of his lips as she does. It's amazing to her that so much pain yet so much pleasure can come in one single package.

She pulls the blankets away from his body and traces her fingers around his scars. She sighs and frowns, the activities and pain taking precedent over the thoughts and emotions she should be feeling at this moment. Her hand moving up his chest to his neck, softly contouring her hand around it. So easy... She could squeeze.

She could see it so clearly in her minds eye. The shocked expression, he probably wouldn't even begin to struggle till it was too late. She squeezes her eyes shut, tears streaming down as she look once more at his face, so calm and peaceful. She pushes herself off the bed quickly... She needs to go home.

I stretch out on the lounge chair, the sounds of kids and adults playing in the pool are all around. I groan softly as he rubs deep into my back. He’s supposed to be putting suntan oil over my already bronzed body, but somewhere between rubbing me down with it, he started to massage my back, who am I to complain? I softly moan and feel my body give under his pressure. He leans down kissing my cheek and I listen to his foot steps move away.

I can envision what he looks like, giddily skipping off to go down the waterslide. I smile to myself and sigh as my body warms down to my bones. I yawn and start to drift, my mind starting to shut down as I start to doze off.

I’m walking down a hallway, it’s dark and the smell is overwhelming. I pause to wretch, black matter seeping out of my mouth and nose, splashing against my leather boots and then dissipating. I put my hand out on the wall for stability.

All at once visions overwhelm me. I see a man on his knees, his bowels spilled out, his arms cradling them as one covets a baby. Once again I double over as a resounding thud echoes through my mind. An instrument brought down on the back of his head and his body slumping forward.

At the same time, before the other image fades I see a creature, so gross and vile. Her hair matted and disgusting, like a person who has been homeless since birth. Anywhere her skin shows bugs crawl over it like water washing over your skin in the shower. I can’t stop the retching, it continues. Empherial matter coursing through my body, purging itself repeatedly.

The blood, I can see the blood swirling around, splashed around the room, it’s overwhelming. I can see the timelines stretch out before me. So many, all of them mixing and sending me to my knees.

I sit up quickly, looking around, my stomach churning, the sounds of children and adults laughing and splashing flood back to me all at once and I take a few gulps of air to stop the bile rising in my throat. Though I’m warmed to the core I shiver.

We are on the home stretch, just a few more days here in our bubble where nothing penetrates and we can concentrate on each other and being happy. I smile to myself as I finish “setting up”. I sent him out on some silly errand where he had to go across the boat, though he didn’t seem to mind. He happily went off to get it for me even though it was an inconvenience.

I smile to myself as I set candles around, lighting incense and check the bathtub to make sure that the water is extra hot and the bubbles are overflowing. I check again to make sure that we have a bottle of Dom chilling, strawberries, oysters and massage oil. I wait…

He enters and smiles at me, I bring him in and tend to his every whim. Making sure he’s completely relaxed and completely content. We spent so many nights partying and dancing on this trip, walking around the theme parks for entire days, it’s nice to take the time to relax. I’ve always considered myself to be self centered, but I realize while I am rubbing his back that I no longer feel that way.

He drinks Dom, I drink some sparkling water, we eat the platters I had delivered. Soaking together we relax and continue our trend of being happy together in our cocoon.

She wakes once more with her head pounding, god she needs to quit drinking so much. This time though she knows instantly where she is, she would know this place in any dream. When she rolls over she catches movement at the door. He moves inside with a tray, breakfast for her and a small flower picked from just outside his door.

She smiles, the flower is technically a weed, but the thought behind the act makes her melt a little. He’s happy, which is a good change. He kisses her, which makes her sigh happily. They laugh and tease and she feels like there is no chasm from yesterday, though she knows it’s not true.

They trespass once more on one another’s skin, her thoughts on happier times. They lay together comforting each other and laughing about events and activities. He takes her hands, pulling her up as she tries one more time to postpone work. They kiss again and with a goodbye she’s thrust back to a room. Her room.

I’ve never seen a rainbow that lasts for an eternity. I would venture to guess however, that it looks something like his eyes. There have been so many times in my life that I have made myself believe that I had found happiness. I try to force myself in molds that others create. I try to make myself feel the emotions that others think I should, but that is not true happiness.


If you get out in the drivin' rain
Stand in the eye of the hurricane
And never think twice
If you turn your back on selfishness
And your thoughts are for someone else
Cause' they've changed your life


I intimately know when that pivotal moment occurred, though what did it does not matter, the only important thing is that it occurred. Now I look at my life and realize there are few regrets that I have and that all those things have lead me here, where I am happy.

The great thing about Fate is that you can only hide from it for so long. Eventually it catches up to you and makes you sit down and take notice. That’s what happened. I tried to fight feelings and emotions for close to a year and finally fate decided that she had waited long enough and pushed me to this point.

That's how you know it's love
That's how you know it's meant to be
When the span of forever
Just never seems long enough
That's how you know it's love


I look across the table and smile, laugh and relax, not that the bottle of wine doesn’t help the last part. There are rarely times where perfection is lived out in our lives. As Mages our lives are full of pain, hate, war and death. Such moments can’t be expected every day, though I’ve had two. Two days in Wonderland, two days with him, two days of perfection, my few moments of sanity. We talk about things, many things to make us laugh and smile but leave out all the things that are bad, there is no room here for those. Those we will speak about, but not now, not here in paradise.


When your heart insists that you give it all
When you no longer fear the fall
And you just let go
When the past is finally dead and gone
Fate leads you somewhere to the one
That has your soul


He moves inside turning on some music and ordering a new bottle, it’s there in a flash and we toast again. To us, to forever, to his new family he will be creating, to love, to peace, to change, to chance meetings and hurried engagements. He takes my hand and pulls me up into his arms. We move flawlessly together as we start to dance slowly, moving with flowing music in the night air on a balcony in a magical place.

No part of you questions
No part of you doubts
You're only sure this is what love's about
And nothing and no one
Can stand in your way
Or keep you from sayin' what your heart is dyin' to say


I can never forget how well he dances, how well we move together and how much exists between us and the passion that rose when we kissed. And that we did. Moving together, further in the room, becoming one and making this thing that seems so much like a fairytale seem more real. I’m not sure who feel asleep first, but my last thoughts were peaceful and I felt warm, safe and loved.

I wake feeling him close, feeling a soft touch. Before I open my eyes I know it’s him. I always wondered what people meant when they use words in literature like “my heart sang”, opening my eyes, I knew.

That's how you know it's love
That's how you know it's meant to be
When the span of forever
Just never seems long enough
That's how you know it's love

To the woman
Who has come in
She is shaking
Her umbrella


She wakes and looks around. This place is not her own. Her head aches from too much alcohol and she winces against the pain. She rolls over and looks at the clock, to early for a human to be awake, but yet she is. She sighs and sits up, remembering. She smiles down at the form beside her, he hand moving to her stomach which is covered by her tank top. She softly slides off the bed, searching for her shoes in the darkness.

And I look
The other way
As they are kissing
Their hellos


She moves with purpose to the living room where her jacket lays untouched. She picks up the open bottle of wine and the glass, moving to dispose of one and clean the other. She can see outside into the darkness and she sighs. She looks at her reflection, her hair still tied back and she smiles to herself.

I'm pretending
Not to see them
Instead
I pour the milk


She zips up the track suit jacket and once again tugs on the strands of reality till she steps through to a place that is more familiar. She looks around and another form is laying alone on a sofa. She moves to him, kneeling beside him. So lifeless and still, so easy to give into primal desire, to end her pain right now, but would it?

I open
Up the paper
There's a story
Of an actor


She stands beside herself, watching as she picks up a book, holding it high above her head. She’s not a very large woman, nor is she very strong, but from that angle with that force, she can hear bones crack as it descends upon his skull. She sighs and instead studies the magic around him. She wonders if he counted on her with a book, but puts it out of her mind. She shakes him softly and his eyes flutter open, settling on her.

Who had died
While he was drinking
It was no one
I had heard of


Her chest clinches as she reviews what a horrible person she is for the thoughts she just had and now, in this moment, all she wants is her warm place to fall back.

And I'm turning
To the horoscope
And looking
For the funnies